missxxxmayhem

 No one reads this any way. 
So I'm going to say something I've needed to for a while.
I was raped.
Raped by the person who I gave everything to. 

October 12th, 2009.

I'm growing, learning, and healing.

I just want to promise myself here and now, he's not going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

I'm upset in this moment, and I somewhat don't understand why.
The other part of me feels I need to be this way.
I need to be in pain because he's found someone else to love.
I need to be in pain because he's moving on, he doesn't want me anymore.
I need to be in pain because he still has my vintage 'Hey Jude' poster I gave him for Christmas.

But I haven't cried.
This pain has been a faltered kind of pain.
A pain I can handle.

Especially while reminding myself that our relationship wasn't very happy, he isn't my soul mate, we are both going to be happy once this is over.

I'm trying to detach my natural human wants, and just be spirit.
When I come to pass, is that Jude poster going to be following my spirit? Nope.
Only the memory of it.

The only thing following me will be my soul mate.

So, although it hurts to say goodbye, in the end I'm just making this easier for both of us.
For loving.
For living.
For passing.

Thank you for being my first love :)
I'm sorry we didn't work<3

i feel like i keep on going from loving life one second to hating it the next.
to be honest, i think im just putting a mask over all of the sour shit when i say im happy.
i dont know whats what anymore.
ive become the girl i hate.
i have nothing left to give, because ive given it all away.
all of my friends gone.
my love doesnt even love me.
nothing is innocent anymore.
and its my fault.
i just need to move out of tolland and get the fuck into college.
i cant wait.
i feel like i'll be able to think.


but then again maybe i wont.
i dont know what to think anymore.
my sanity is gone.

So everything feels like its going according to plan.
I've got my plan a and b for college...and i'm super excited!
if plans fall through with staying at my grandmothers then i'm staying with Janet!
dude i'm so excited.
i can't wait to be on the road of becoming a midwife.
sooooo excited<3<3<3

and even better?
zach and i, we're so good.
i know things are hard just because of the distance, and i'm trying to remember that that is the reason for our struggles. we're going to be going to school together next year and living like right down the street from each other. i feel our life together is just about to begin. we can start saving up to buy a house, get married, have children...and whatever else may come.

ugh its so unbearable to know i'm barely living up here in tolland and that my life is sooooo close to being complete. just a few more months i guess.
idk! super excited.
everything feels ok :)

so...she had the baby.
there's no blonde hair.
i'm almost afraid to admit it...
but he kinda looks like Zach.
fuck ='[
idk what im gunna dooooo.

i'm really confused. i dont even know how to express the way i feel.

so yesterday was mine and zach's seven month.
zach and i were texting...like we ALWAYS freaking do. and it was another one of those days where attached my phone to my hand and revolved around our one word convos. the day beforehand he didnt speak to me the whole freaking day D:
so in these texts i was trying to explain to him my fears and my feelings towards the future that pertains to us. it was really a serious convo, but i guess he thought i was breaking up with him.
i hadn't realized thats what he thought...until he sent me a text that made me think he was breaking up with me. thankfully i quickly realized that he wasn't he thought i was.
i was in tears, i couldnt imagine us being over for the few minutes that he had thought we were.
but...the way he said he misunderstood...the way he seemed not to care...idk. he was just so easy to give in, no fight or anything.
just:
" well i'll be here for you to talk to whenever. i'm just surprised it had to be today..."

idk it just makes me wonder so many things. after everything he's put me through...i dont understand how to make this better, i cant do this myself and i know thats the way its going to be. he just doesnt know how to try or fight for us.

welll......im getting distracted and angry. bye.

"ur the sparkel in my eye and the blood to my heart u fill my heart with joy and happyness no one can tear us apart not even time or the miles away the love i feel for u is the love we bouth been looking for and finily found and that were together will b together forever <333333333 julia elam soon to be"

"Zachary Jay Elam is: in love i love u baby"

"Yo man...all i can say is goddamn, my girl is AMAZING. Goin to bed with the wifey, don't call :) i love you baby♥"

I've been really upset about the past lately.
so i sat down and wrote :)

underneath my skin.

i woke up next to him
the same feeling that i get
when i let him
when i let him in.

this sickness running through my brain
he's tainted me,
he's pumping through my veins.
i can't clean it,
this bruise won't wash away
hes right underneath my skin.


its always there,
its always
its always controlling.
even if your hand, your grip
is as solid as a sliding memory.
this bruise is bleeding under my skin.
your sin
its always
its always spreading, i can't win.

i let him whisper in my ear
the same filth i always hear
i dont know why i have this fear
so i let him
so i let him in.

his words are etched into my brain
he's taken me
he's pumping through my veins.
i can't clean it,
my body's no longer my home
his hands are now my own

its always there,
its always
its always controlling.
even if your hand, your grip
is as solid as a sliding memory.
this bruise is bleeding under my skin.
your sin
its always
its always spreading, i can't win.

it's rainy out today. stinkyyy.
i haven't really written a lot in here recently.
i've actually begun writing in an actual journal. im trying to keep it updated with every day stuff.
i've probably already written about it, but zach said it might help my memory which has gotten a lot worse recently.

so zach came here last week for days :)
we're doing amazing now.
any doubt in my mind from before is long gone, i feel beyond happy with him.
we talked about everything,i feel so good now that i've let him into my mind a little more.
it feels good to get stuff of my chest.

soooo i passed summer school yesterday with an 85!
i'm so excited.
there was this kid who would stalk me during school. he would invite me to parties and he even bought me breakfast one morning -_-
so he finally asked me for my number yesterday...i couldnt say no because i would have felt horrible.
zach wants to kill him for "stepping to his girl" lmao. i think its cute when hes protective.
I feel totally horrible though because mike doesnt know i have a bf. i wasnt trying to lead him on or anything, but he would always be the one talking when we talked so it never really came up.
either way...lol idk what to do.

:]:]:]:]:]:]:]:]:]:]:]:]:]